A Re-Introduction...

I am a 44 year old Father of four and a Husband. I have been married 26+ years and my youngest child is 11. You could look and my life and say that it has fallen apart in many ways... I am not the person I was 9 years ago. In many ways... This is a Re-Introduction to ME!!! My name is Wayward Pilgrim and I deconstructed my Evangelical Christian beliefs in 2006, but I could not stop with just that, and I decided that I would find out how far I could go...

I am a weird dude. I have walked down a few spiritual paths, and have some notes... In what many have called "Deconstruction", I have devoted myself only to the cognitive disciplines that reduce and eliminate cognitive dissonance. Theology should be an art that cures the spiritually minded from intellectual obstacles... It should clarify, expand, and illuminate the HIDDEN rather than defend and apologize for Divine Hiddenness and spiritual cowardice. I have freed myself from Theistic systems of God-Talk and spiritual systems of magical thinking. 

I was "saved" as an Evangelical Christian at 13. I got married at 18. And by 26 I had rejected my Christian Faith for the first time. My "deconstruction" had begun in 2006. This was almost 20 years ago. I have learned that my "great flaw" in life never had anything to do with my brainwashing in the Evangelical Church. I was indoctrinated and mobilized as a radical believer in the Christian Faith and it has taken many years to untangle all the Theological garbage that was put into me. Because of my desire to be a True Believer, I witnessed an excess of spiritual abuse. 

Life changed in a big way for me in 2015. I can't exactly point to all the reasons why... But societal tensions kinda paint a picture as to what the religious conflict is that has always surged and battled perhaps even in my own soul. 81% of Evangelical Christians supported Donald Trump as the Republican Nominee for President when at least 3 strong belief-aligned candidates were among the pool of competitors. Huckabee, Romney, and Cheney were all cast aside in favor of a liar, a cheater, and an adulterer BY the Evangelical Christians. 

I was already very far down my deconstruction path by 2015, and on that day... I knew that I had done the right thing to reject my Evangelical beliefs when I did. I can write about Apologetics and Theological Systems that create a spiritual bubble of protection for those who are collaborators of January 6th 2020. But there is no more room for "explaining" Christianity... anymore. For 9 years now... I have celebrated my release from the prison of Evangelical Christianity in every way, and it has been the worst 9 years of my life.

(hahahaha...)

I have a dark kind of humor. Perhaps it has come from the many trials that I have observed. I am not here to ask for sympathy or pity. I understand how these dynamics of "push and pull" function in the cognitive environments of True Believers. I betrayed my faith, and thusly... deserve everything I get. Spit in the face of God and you invite Her Wrath. I confess... My life would be easier as an Evangelical. I sometimes envy how "simple" their lives are. 

Anyways... I plan to elaborate more on the many many topics that orbit around the gravity of our shared theological experiences... Deconstruction did not do me wrong. I survived, and I am not dead yet, motherfuckers. And if I had it all to do again... I would always leave that vampire.

I need a space to chronicle my current and future spiritual path... as a father, husband, friend, voter, worker, neighbor, and artistic blasphemer. I have been trapped inside my own head for a long time. Perhaps... too long. I plan to mostly use this blog as a kind of workshop to write about the books and media that I am mentally digesting. 

I have developed a SYSTEM... and I am somewhat protective of it still. I have been Deconstructing longer now than I was ever "saved" into an ideological or religious system. Evangelical Christianity is not the only Cult that captured my soul. It was just the first prison that I learned to escape from. Like I said... My CORE wound never had anything to do with Christianity, Theology, God, or Religion. I can spit fire at religion until the cows come home. No one is listening, because no one understands... or is even meant to. 

It is the height of pettiness and arrogance to blame God or religion for the woes of the world. Pastors and the ilk are pure con-men. Casinos and Churches may be predatory but this does not mean that they are villains, and there is a rehabilitative value for non-rational institutions of ideological centeredness (whether its greed or heaven)... Whether it's a Cult or a Secular Army... Our world needs to be healed. I understand why we "need" religion from an evolutionary point of view. And I have accepted that I must have a spiritual nature. 

Deconstruction... for me... is more than just a waiting room before I can begin "reconstruction". To me, Deconstruction means that reconstruction is abandoned. Deconstruction means not going back to systems of cognitive dissonance and spiritual abuse. I guess... I have found a new Cult to gather my bones once I throw my life away for its message. I am but a wayward pilgrim in this cruel and godless universe, and until SPACE-TIME itself collapses... Cognitive Pragmatism can maintain and regulate the SOUL-fulness of Theological Systems without the cultural baggage of "spiritual authority". 

I can hold opposing views in a state of mental suspension and function adequately to grow and develop in an evolution-rich system. In the Urgent Here and Now... I am free to be my "best self always", and that is more important to me than having a "forever existence" of submission and obedience. I do not have all the answers... Nor do I think religious people are stupid... I just have no interest anymore in anything that can't be entertaining when it comes to spirituality. Life... the Universe... Our Brains... These are physical and external systems. Whatever exists... BEYOND TOTAL OBLIVION... is not for us to fill our minds with. 

People often ask at what point does "deconstruction" end? Once you realize the necessity to question your cognitive biases in order to be a healthy person, is there a point when you realize that sanitation is no longer required? I have learned... that there are those who deconstruct their faith only to pursue "reconstruction"... and then there are those who deconstruct their faith and never go back to "reconstruction" at all. 

I am in the second category and I am proud to have abandoned "reconstruction". I respect those who need to go back to a system of faith and obedience and if they can learn valuable cognitive tools then I will never shame anyone who deconstructs at any level... I have explored many paths as I Deconstructed, and there was a time when I thought I could "go back", but I was only fooling myself. That will be a story for another day. For now... I will write about all kinds of subjects and topics that keep my mind busy and "plugged" into the world. 

My "dream" for this little corner of the web-i-verse is to engage in thoughtful discourse about our shared spiritual and deconstruction experiences. Thanks for visiting.